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ADVICE FROM THE AFFINITY EXCHANGE
Go to www.affinity-exchange.com, click on the Help Section and read the FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions). These serve as a good hat for the site.
Your attention should first go towards your pictures (if you don't already have good pictures). These are our helpful hints for taking good pictures: 1. Avoid flash. Shoot in daylight, in the shade, but with good lighting. People tend to look good in front of green plants (trees, bushes, etc.), or with a light-colored wall in the background, ideally with some greenery as part of the shot. Shift places/background/lighting/pose shot to shot so that if one doesn't work, maybe the next will. 2. Hold the camera vertically so you get mostly person and least scenery. Best to shoot from the hips or waist up, not just the face.
3. Girls put one hand on your waist, cock your head and look cute. Guys put one hand in your pocket, stand relaxed. Another good guy pose is leaning against a wall or tree with arms crossed over your chest, feet crossed, and head cocked. Another good pose is crouched with elbow on knee and chin resting on fist. Shoot from knee/elbow up. Do some with full blown smile and some with mouth closed, but with a half-smile (or hint of smile) and twinkly eyes. One way to get a good smile is to tell the person to do a fake laugh and then laugh at the fake laugh. Usually works well!
4. Wear good colors and clothing styles that show you to advantage. Women should avoid sleeveless tops. If you have beautiful legs, show them; if not, cover them. Solid colors are better than prints.
Ideally, go to a professional photographer's studio and get the works--makeup, lighting, etc.! Your picture is your first line of promotion, so it's worth it to get a really good one. The more aesthetic it is (without being unreal), the more it will attract and help get a comm line in.
TIPS ON HOW TO PLAY THE GAME The idea is to
have a "Maybe" list that is as long as possible. Put in an age
bracket that is as wide as possible and shop the world. This should give you a
fairly long list of possibles. Then take your stack of
hardcopy profiles and spend some time studying them. Take a red pen or
highlighter and make notes--outpoints, pluspoints--mark it up. Then give each
profile a number from 1 to 10 evaluating the match potential--not their
profile, but how much the two of you would be a match. A "10" would
mean that the two of you look like a perfect match. A "5" would mean
that the outpoints and pluspoints are pretty equal.
One of the best abilities a dating service player can have is the ability to reject and be rejected hundreds of times over without it being a problem. Keep in mind that if you can't just handle being rejected yourself, you can always go see a trained counselor who can help you recover. Better to play the game, confront, experience and learn from it than not to play the game at all! You should send an email to your selectee along the lines of "You're someone I'm curious about. I am ____(screen name). Please look me up and let me know if you're curious about me." Then, everybody, PLEASE keep your comm cycle in! Keep in mind that if you were interested in someone, you would hope that person would be willing to meet with you face-to-face, if only briefly, and allow you to interact and communicate as much as possible. So please apply the Golden Rule and do unto others...
There are numerous reasons why it is to your advantage to select as well as being selected. One is simply the magic of outflow. Another is that being cause is better than being effect or in waiting.
Then consider this: when people do their first searches, there are certain people who are popular (just like in real life). She's young and beautiful. He's rich and handsome. (WE know that beautiful, handsome and rich often equals a lot of aberration--though not always, grant you--but we haven't all overcome our programming!) Everyone wants them. Everyone reaches. But maybe you didn't think it through--these popular people reject most reaches! So Joe comes in, makes his selections, sends out his letters, and gets some rejects, some responses, meets some girls, but maybe 3-4 months later, nothing has "clicked," and things have quieted down. Then one day he checks his email, and there's your letter. Wow! Someone reached. You think he's going to give it his full attention? Yessiree. The chances of his responding are probably higher than when he first started playing the game. Thus there's a time/timing factor involved. Therefore I expect you to have the flows flowing both ways--pick and be picked.
RE: DATING "Dating" is defined as "Informal: To make or have a social engagement with (a person of the opposite) sex." (American Heritage Dictionary) My expanded definition is: "Spending time with a person of the opposite sex with the purpose of finding out if that person could become a long-time mate." Sometimes I talk to someone and they tell me they are dating. "Are any of these dates potential mates?" I ask. "Not really," they answer. "Then you aren't 'dating.' You are 'going out with friends,'" I reply. The distinction will make for better duplication and understanding amongst us. When both parties are in the same geographical area, I recommend that a first face-to-face meeting be very brief and very inexpensive, e.g. meet for coffee. So often people know within minutes of meeting that they would have no romantic interest in the other person. The product of the first brief meeting, which I like to call a "pre-date," is to see if there is enough mutual interest to then have a real date. Now and then someone originates that he/she feels funny about dating more than one person at the same time. My viewpoint is this: You are in the process of looking for the right person. The dating service allows you to start with quantity, from which will come quality, and finally viability. Thus you should put out LOTS of comm lines, which leads to lots of "pre-dates," from which you find out with whom there is mutual interest. Then you would start dating that person, or those persons. Yes, I consider it is okay to date more than one person during the early phase of getting to know each other well enough to know if someone is a potential mate. You should be able to determine when in a courtship it is appropriate to date one person to the exclusion of others. At this point you should put your profile in Suspend mode so that it does not come up in a Search. If you are unsure, then call me and I'll help advise you. Certainly at the point you get intimate with someone you should go into Suspend mode. Dating should continue until there's enough data and experience to know whether the relationship will work or not. If you're not sure, then you probably need more data and/or experience together. You should date until you get engaged/married or until one or the other person knows for sure, no doubts or reservations, that it is not going to "go the route" (i.e. results in a long-term committed relationship, or whatever the stated social goal is). Another given is that you should be honest and open about who you are dating and that you are in comm with various people when such is the case. No withholds, please! Now and then someone originates, "I hate to date." Personally, I've always enjoyed dating, so it made me look at what makes dating enjoyable. First, by applying the "pre-date" guideline, one can avoid being "stuck" with the wrong person for hours. Otherwise, as long as there is mutual interest, you should spend time together and find out what is needed and wanted and see if you can deliver. CAUTION: Don't be too picky or critical in the early stages of the game. I heard from one of my happy couples about how close they came to missing each other: He selected her, they had their first meeting, and his report to me was somewhat negative; so was hers. However, he realized he was unsure about her, so knew they should have another date. They went out to dinner and everything clicked. Whew! What a close call! Here's what another client reported: "I have a win. I wrote to somebody who then called me. On the phone I thought, 'He's too old. He sounds old.' I figured I could tell if he was my type by just talking with him on the phone. But he wanted to meet ... My first impression was, 'Nope, he's not my type.' I could tell just by looking that he wasn't my type. We went to a restaurant and talked. It was awkward for me, but we talked. "I couldn't believe it, but right before my eyes, he got cuter and cuter! The way he laughed was great. ... By actually spending some time with him, the affinity came in. And it was amazing just watching this affinity with another person grow as we talked. I'm very very glad I didn't stop at the phone call. In fact, I wish it were mandatory to spend a little time with the person before saying "no way." ... It definitely would take more confront, but in the long run would be well worth the effort put into it. It proved to me that you really can't tell who is for you and who isn't just by looking at a picture." IT'S THE COMMUNICATION, BEING TO BEING, THAT IS ESSENTIAL. We need to remind ourselves that communication is senior to everything else. Apply good manners and the Golden Rule. I worry that clients are too stuck in their "pictures" and thereby miss some very wonderful beings--thus my constant advice to not be too picky in the early stages. Know your ideal scene, but also know that considerations can and do change! Play the "hypothesis game," i.e., hypothesize that the relationship is good and then dig for "fatal flaws." Age? Children? Geography? Career goals? Finances? It's okay to invade someone's privacy. You have a right to know. It's easy to go out and have fun together; but if you think you're really an item, try to get into the realities of life and see how you handle problems. Another policy I have found useful is the following: If the relationship is not workable AS YOU ARE, don't tie the knot. We know the value of counseling and study and the wonderful changes it can effect, but we DON'T know how long it will take to bring about those changes. So better to make sure you're a good match as you are, then when changes for the better occur, it's a bonus! I remember reading a magazine article in which a Chicago matchmaker was quoted as saying, "Only a 10 can ask for a 10." It's true that when one reads through the profiles, one gets the feeling that "everyone" is looking for/demanding a 10. Yet, I can tell you that the percentage of my clients who might be classified as a 10 is about 1/2 of 1% (or less)! Most people are not 10's. The world is full of married people and couples, very few of whom are 10's. So how did these relationships come to be? THEY MET AND GOT IN COMM! And that's all a dating service is there to do: help people meet and get in comm! When communication is good and realities are shared, AFFINITY results.
REJECTION REJECTION is the biggest button--the hardest thing to confront--in this game. Who likes being rejected? Who likes rejecting another? And yet to be a successful player of the dating service game, one needs the ability to reject and be rejected HUNDREDS OF TIMES OVER without it being a problem. In the world, rejection happens all the time. He asks her to dance. She says no. She flirts with him. He ignores her. It happens directly. It happens indirectly. Given that each individual has a very specific set of needs and wants, getting two people's sets to mesh is quite a challenge! Yet it does happen. So someone signs up, picks a bunch of people, and outflows. The main complaint that I get is lack of response. Sometimes no one at all responds! Not only is it bad manners, but it tends to give the service a bad reputation! It creates an incomplete comm cycle and leaves people hung up in mystery. Did he get it? What did he think? Is it a no, or is he just slow to respond? List, list, list! Yuck! We should know better, don't you think?! I
have found that when a person gets a rejection letter that is mannerly and
friendly, he/she is quite happy with it.
Those people can now be friends. "Thank you very much for contacting me. I have looked over your profile and photo. You have many good qualities. However, overall it is not close enough to what I am looking for (or 'it doesn't quite fit my needs and wants'). I wish you success in your search for the right person." So now they know you did get their reach, you did consider it, and you made your decision. Fair enough. On to the next. Realize that most people understand (or will after they read this) that REJECTION IS ROUTINE in a dating service. It's the norm. It's what's expected. You're going to reject bunches of them, and bunches of them are going to reject you. So what? Don't take it personally, know what I mean? After all, they're not really rejecting YOU. They're rejecting your profile and picture. Something doesn't fit their needs and wants (at least they don't think so).
OUT-OF-TOWN COURTSHIPS Here's my advice on how to handle what I call "out-of-town" courtships:
Reaches often occur to people outside one's area, i.e. not within driving distance. If the profiles and pictures pass the test (both ways), then phone conversations should occur. If these go well, the geography issue should be discussed right away.
Hypothesize: If we met and were an item in every other respect, who would move? If the geography problem seems handleable, then more conversations should ensue regarding needs and wants, goals and purposes, etc. If these seem to align, then it would be smart to find a way to see each other talking (videos? high tech computer cameras?). If both like what they see, then plans should be made to meet. With the proper groundwork laid, by the time you spend a day or weekend together, you should be able to determine whether it will end there or move forward.
One advantage to long distance courtships is that the distance forces communication to go in first--i.e., the BEINGS really go into communication . If a lot of affinity develops first, then often when the couple meets, physical outpoints are more easily accepted.
WARNING! I have heard a few sad stories where the couple got so carried away over the phone, that they nearly got engaged without ever having met. Then when they did meet, it fell apart within minutes, and now they had to be together for a couple of days or more--not a comfortable situation! It could have been avoided by following the above guidelines, and by keeping the phone comm brief and conservative, at least until you've met and know there is ongoing interest. "IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME!" Now and then over the years someone using a dating service will say, "It isn't working for me." I knew this was illogical, but I needed to examine it. It has to do with separating the purpose and products of a dating service from the purpose and product of a client. A client's product is the right person with whom to create a relationship. The product of a dating service is "Clients who understand the value of the service, use the service, and promote the service to others."
The service's value is that it can provide people with lots of prospects—especially people you would never know existed otherwise. But a dating service cannot promise you a match. What it can and should provide is an affluence of prospects. Some people are very hard to match! But the more difficult the match, the more reason to use every means imaginable to find him or her!
Most datings services these days are internet services. The profile usually allows a person to post a few photos, one of which shows with the profile itself. This photo is your first line of promotion. Beings love pictures—especially aesthetic ones. Thus I counsel people to do whatever necessary to get photos that are flattering to them, without being unreal. It would be good to look at a bunch of photos on a site and notice which ones attract your attention and which ones tend to repel.
Digital cameras are pretty amazing. However, I've noticed that the photos which are real close up face shots using flash (which makes the skin look shiny and pink and shows up every mole and blemish and whisker) are pretty scary! I advise people to shoot outside in daylight, thus avoiding flash, and shoot from the hips or waist up.
So when someone says, "It doesn't work for me," I tend to answer, "What? Have you had no prospects? Are your pictures of good quality? Are you looking at the new people signing up every week? Are you working on your personal enhancement? Are you cutting your nose hairs and wearing your deodorant? How's that weight loss program going?" This gives them the idea that they need to keep working on themselves so that they're able to meet the needs and wants of the people they pick. It's not what you think they should need and want—it's what they say they need and want.
"I'LL JOIN UP AFTER I LOSE SOME WEIGHT" Well, my friends, here's my current viewpoints on the subject. Note, these are MY viewpoints. For one thing, I do believe that aesthetics are a major part of the game, on many dynamics. I think we all should strive to create an aesthetic mockup as it's more pleasing, rewarding, and sets a good example. Obviously, the game is to find out what the opposite sex wants and provide it. Most people (read the profiles) want a mate who is in good physical shape. There are many, many weight loss programs. If you want to lose weight, I suggest you research to find which program works best for you. I recommend consulting with people knowledgeable about nutrition and go for the goal of optimum health, which usually results in optimum weight. And exercise, exercise, exercise! Paramount, of course, is to continue getting your spiritual counseling! Remember also that there have been times and places where plumpness was considered desireable and skinny people would have been considered undesireable. This goes to show how much considerations affect one's point of view! Obesity, as you all probably know, is a growing problem. A majority of the populace are overweight. Most married people are overweight, but they're still married. You don't have to be skinny to have a good relationship. So, I say: DATE! PLAY THE GAME! It's a good way to motivate and inspire you if you are on a program. As a being, work to out-create the physical. Most overweight people DO have relationships, so you needn't let it be a stop in your game to find a mate. It's your game. Create it! I hope all this has been of help to you!
Love, Marcia Powell (Rev. 11-06) |
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